In fact, the only way to describe my current hiding mode would be in the form of a tiny anecdote:
I have a brother-in-law who was only three when our families first encountered one another. I used to entertain him when his parents visited mine and one of the things he loved was hide-and-seek. I being a teenager far more interested in chilling on the sofa secretly listening in to the grown-ups’ conversation would let him be the perpetual hider. It suited me, as I had more time of playing without really engaging in the game but it also was good for him – he was effectively an only child, his brothers being more than twenty years his senior and had precious little chance to play his favourite game, so loved to hide.
So he’d hide. And count. And wait. And call out “You can’t find me!” And wait some more. Then I’d call his name. “Yes?” “Where are you?” “In the kitchen; under the table!” And I’d ‘find’ him. And act surprised when I did. And he never learnt to ignore my call; neither did he tire of being found in this way. So we played for hours – every time he visited.
That’s how I am hiding right now… maybe not under the table having seen the amount of food my kids drop in one meal, perhaps behind the full-length curtains – that seems a fitting place to be… but if you call me I’ll surely answer… if you are a person I want to engage with, of course. If I so choose, I may just follow the rules and not respond. Such is the power of choice.
The cloud of post-Christmas seems to be descending which I know will remain until some time just after my birthday in March. It is a little later than usual but hopefully it will not remain longer to makeup for it: I have plans for April/May for which I need to be functioning! I hadn’t actually realised I was succumbing at all until yesterday when having decided to break for a coffee at around half-one I was awoken by a phone-call from the mum of one of baby’s school friends “Do you want me to bring her home?” SHIT!!! It was twenty past three… school finishes at five past. Thankfully, that friend was coming our way anyway and there is a contingency plan baby knows to follow just in case there is ever an emergency with the hub and I don’t get to the school in time, but nevertheless to sleep through the school run is the worst kind of bad parenting!
In my defence (if there is justification for such an occurrence) I have been ill; beyond the non-flu of the last couple of weeks I have not slept for more than three hours at a time since shortly before Christmas and at some point became a person who sleeps on the sofa (detachment and other excuses) In all honesty, the stress of waking so regularly and feeling the need to check for signs of breathing is just too much so I chose to remove myself from the situation. I thought I might start to sleep properly, but after almost a month that does not seem to have happened. It is nice, though, to have the freedom to walk around the house, to maybe read my book for a while or listen to a little music without worrying that my noisy efforts to be quiet will disturb the hub-creature. But I realise this is far from normal.
So that is how today finds me; having started the year in a fairly positive way, now sinking into a pit of self-doubt, insecurity and worthlessness.
Oh, and it’s baby’s birthday this weekend – for which I have done no preparation beyond buying presents. Luckily, though, I spent two days earlier in the week doing some recipe development on a healthy sponge cake for a food blog I work on so at least have my baking head on!
But anyway…
More upbeat stuff to come, I promise… just needed to vacuum this fluff and fuzz out of my head to give room for the other thoughts to bounce around!
And because I love her music and feel more people should be aware of her existence, here’s a tune from Amy Newton:
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