The BBC report that a man (I assume it’s a man, anyway – maybe it isn’t – but most likely it is! Controversial me!) from Leicester has submitted an FOI request to learn how prepared his council are in the event of a zombie attack.
His conclusion: Not at all!
He states in his letter of request that his concern stems from having watched “several” films, so surely he should know that there is no possibility of ever preparing oneself for such an attack!
For a start, depending on which movies you have seen the zombies may only attack at night or just maybe you could be caught by the daylight kind; some movies would have us believe the zombie has a weakness to a particular element, others that to simply immerse them in sunshine will cause them to collapse into a pile of dust; the source of the attack could be a virus or could be of alien origin – I could go on, but you get the point. We just don’t know what we are dealing with!
And what if the originators of the zombie infection were also those charged with enacting the preparedness plan? How would we the public know if the plan was being implemented or not?
I would also have to assume that this person has never worked a bureaucratic job. As someone who previously was responsible for preparing operating procedures and emergency procedures for a large company I cannot imagine the nightmarish contrivances involved in preparing for such an unknown element. It would need so many IF, UNLESS and EXCEPT-WHEN clauses it would be barely intelligible!
Seriously, pal – if you want to see a plan that badly, maybe you should write one up! I doubt anyone in the council has time (nor inclination) to watch all those movies, to develop the knowledge needed and then work out how to put it into “council speak”.
The funniest thing, by far, has to be the quote from the councillor given the task of dealing with the request. Obviously all requests have to be taken seriously, especially given that councils are so scared of offending a member of the public who could possibly have issues with their mental health or cognitive reasoning, but her words nevertheless were pure gold:
Ms Wyeth said she was unaware of any specific reference to a zombie attack in the council's emergency plan, however some elements of it could be applied if the situation arose.
The cynic in me wants to suggest that rather than being a tongue-in-cheek statement, she is actually trying to ensure her council seat is upheld in the next election, but I would like to think it could have been a deliberate attempt at humour.
Luckily an expert in the field, Ed Thurlow of the zombie event organsing company Terror4fun has stated that such an attack is “unlikely”. So the people of Leicester can rest easy in their beds.
Although if I were Mr Thurlow I know where I would be arranging my next zombie-fest!
And unrelated, but because I love the song:
ZOMBIE by The Cranberries
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